Breaking the Wall

It's been a long time since I last felt that genuine happiness. I miss those priceless moments of laughter and good company. I miss those carefree days, those days I didn't care what would happen for tomorrow.

These times have been too tough and too unbearable for a weakling like me. And what's worse, I can't share it to anyone. It feels like I built a wall between my emotions and the people around me. I'm afraid people will just tell me, "It's alright, it will all end", or "Be strong, everything will be fine". Man, I've heard those for 15 million times, I'm allergic already. I'm afraid people will just listen to me and hug me because they pity me. They can say that they understand me and feel me but fyeah, no one can really understand.

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me with that bitch-why-don't-you-tell-me face. I tried opening up several times already. I tried speaking one-on-one with best friends and with my most trusted people but no one ever made me realize that everything will be fine. And I think no one can really make me feel better.

No words can ever describe this feeling and that's the painful reality. Sometimes I just breakdown, cry, and get grumpy for no specific reason. And when somebody asks me, "What's wrong?" I cannot answer 'cos I cannot put these emotions into words just like how I make no sense right now. I already prayed too much (and gave up) and prayed too much again. I was looking for specific answers to my questions. I needed someone to tell me straight to my face what's really wrong and tell me WHEN all of these will end. I was trying to look for someone or something to blame for making me feel this way. But for all those times I did, I ended up being hurt, 'cos I know it's just me and I can't put the blame on somebody else.

I wish it's just this easy

-JJM